When Your Teen or Adult Child Comes Out: Understanding the Grief Behind Acceptance

Comedian John Bishop recently said “I’m just a dad. I’ve got three sons and one of them happens to fancy men. That’s it. I don’t see why that’s so hard for people to get their head around”.  His words have been widely praised and understandably so.  Many parents wish they felt that same sense of calm and clarity. But for some, hearing statements like that brings up something unexpected - shame. Shame because it is hard for you. Not because you don’t love your child, but because accepting their sexuality or identity stirs up feelings you may not have expected or know how to handle.

There is often a grief behind the struggle, grief for the imagined version of your family’s life and for the milestones or traditions that now feel uncertain. You might even feel guilty for mourning something when your child is still very much here, simply living more honestly. This emotional conflict doesn’t mean rejection; it may be that you are grieving not the child you have, but the future you once pictured.

The Grief of Letting Go

From the moment a baby is born, most parents unconsciously begin to imagine their future. You might picture school milestones, relationships, weddings, or grandchildren. When your child comes out, those expectations can suddenly shift. You may grieve the loss of what you thought life would look like – for them, for you or for your family.

This kind of grief doesn’t come from disapproval, it comes from love and fear woven together. Love - because you care deeply about your child’s happiness. Fear – because you know the world isn’t always kind to those who are different. There’s also the loss of the familiar story you once had about your family’s future.

Naming that grief is important. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it means you are human. You are adjusting to a new understanding of your child and that takes time.

Why grief belongs in this story

Grief wasn’t supposed to be part of your parenting journey, and yet it often shows up quietly and unexpectedly. It might not look like bereavement but it can move through similar stages - denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and eventual acceptance.

You might find yourself thinking:

• “Maybe this is just a phase.”

• “Did I do something wrong?”

• “What will people think?”

• “I just don’t understand this.”

Each of these thoughts comes from a genuine place, a desire to protect, the fear of losing connection and the wish for your child’s life to be safe and accepted. Beneath these worries often sits grief: the loss of certainty and the pain of realising that life might look different from what you had once imagined.

“I’m not homophobic, but why am I struggling?”

Many parents tell themselves, “I’m not homophobic, I have no problem with gay people or trans people.” Yet when it’s your own child, the feelings can be more complicated. You might wonder, “If I’m struggling, does that make me homophobic?”

The answer is often more nuanced than that. It’s not about prejudice – it is about change. When it is personal, emotions run deeper. Your child’s coming out may touch part of your identity, values or your vision of family. You can fully believe in equality and still feel sadness, confusion or loss when this becomes part of your own story.

It can help to reflect on questions such as:

• “What beliefs about gender or sexuality did I grow up with?”

• “What assumptions about relationships or family do I still hold?”

• “Am I afraid for my child’s safety, or afraid of how others might react?”

Often what feels like discomfort around sexuality is really about losing familiarity - the shift in how you understand your family, and even yourself. Staying curious rather than critical helps move from shame to compassion. You don’t need to label yourself – only to remain open and honest. Growth starts there.

When others make you feel judged

Sometimes it is not your feelings but other people’s reactions that hurt the most. Relatives or friends might mock, distance themselves or suggest your child’s identity reflects poor parenting. These moments can sting, especially when you’ve done everything to raise your child with love.

It helps to remember that such reactions say more about their discomfort than your parenting. People often criticise when they don’t understand. You can calmly set boundaries by saying “That’s not something we joke about” or “We speak respectfully about our child here”.

Standing firm doesn’t mean cutting people off - it means protecting your peace and your child’s dignity. Over time, your quiet confidence may help others question their own assumptions.

When Someone Shares That Their Child Has Come Out

If a friend or relative tells you their child has come out, it can be hard to know what to say. It might feel natural to respond with something upbeat like “That’s so cool!” or “That’s awesome!”, but while well-intentioned, those comments can feel dismissive or overly simplistic.

Coming out is often an emotional experience, not just for the child but for the parent too. For many families it can feel complicated, painful or simply unfamiliar. When you respond, aim for curiosity rather than assumption. You might say, “That must have taken a lot of courage for them to share that - how are you feeling about it?” or “Thank you for trusting me with that. What has this been like for you?” Honest, open questions like these allow space for real feelings – instead of jumping to conclusions or quick reassurance.

Letting go of the old story

Most parents carry a personal “family story” - an invisible script about what life will look like. When your child’s story changes, you may lose that imagined version and the sense of familiarity that came with it.

Letting go doesn’t mean losing hope. It means releasing the version of life that was never truly theirs. It makes space for a story that is more real and more beautiful -because it belongs to them.

Acceptance as an evolving process

Many parents think they need to “get over it” quickly or feel guilty if they can’t. But not everybody has the capacity for this and their acceptance isn’t always instant – it can unfold over time. At first, you might feel relief that your child has trusted you enough to share something so personal and then confusion or sadness might follow. That’s okay.

If you catch yourself pretending to be fine before you really are, pause and breathe. Reassure them by saying, “I still love you and I am trying to find my way with this”.  That openness can deepen trust and keep your connection alive as well as fostering authenticity.

When Coming to Terms With It Feels Impossible

If you cannot find a way to accept your child’s identity, and your instinct is to withdraw or turn away, it may feel frightening. The distance that grows between you can bring guilt, shame and sadness. These feelings are painful but not unusual. Many parents describe feeling lost or stuck between love and discomfort.  

If this is where you are, being honest with yourself is the first step forward. Counselling can help you explore what sits beneath these emotions and what might ease that distance – for your wellbeing and for your child’s.

When Your Child Comes Out Online Before Telling You

If your child comes out on social media before telling you personally, it can feel like a punch to the stomach. You might feel blindsided, hurt, or excluded, especially if you believed your relationship was close. These feelings are understandable, but it can help to remember that coming out publicly often takes huge courage. Sometimes sharing it online feels safer or easier than having that first conversation face-to-face. It isn’t necessarily a rejection of you; it’s often about your child trying to feel seen and supported in the wider world.

Let yourself feel whatever arises, shock, sadness, confusion, even anger, but try to pause before reacting. With time, you can talk about how it felt and begin to rebuild trust by acknowledging both your feelings and their bravery.

The gift beneath the grief

As the initial shock softens, many parents find something unexpectedly beautiful, a relationship built on truth. When you let go of an imagined version of your child, you make more room for the real one.

Moving Forward

Finding support and understanding

Your child hasn’t changed, but how you see them might be. That shift takes time and patience. What feels like loss at first can, with space and reflection, become understanding - a love that sees them more clearly than before.

If any of this resonates with you - or if you find yourself navigating similar feelings and would like some support – you are welcome to get in touch.

You don’t have to face this on your own. Many parents find comfort and clarity through therapy, and at Counselling with Lucy, I offer a confidential, non-judgemental space to explore the emotions that are accompanying you on this journey.

Having somewhere to talk things through at your own pace, can help you make sense of what you are feeling, begin to heal and find your way back to meaningful connection. There is no expectation that you have the right words or answers.

Sometimes, beginning the conversation is the most important step. Reach out if you’d like to explore what support might look like for you.

www.counsellingwithlucy.co.uk

counsellingwithlucy1@gmail.com